Some words before you go

It’s traditional, is it not, for the father to offer some pearls of wisdom to his son before he packs his bags for college and the rest of his life?

In my own case, it was my taciturn father, a man of few words and carefully guarded emotions, slipping five $20 bills in my hand and telling me, “Find yourself an honest mechanic to work on your car. It’ll save you a lot of money.”

I took his advice and, over the years, I’ve come to treasure honest tradesmen of all stripes. I also took the money, using it, I’m almost certain, to purchase beer within hours of arriving on campus. At the time, I considered the cash the more practical, and thoughtful, gift. More than 40 years down the road, and thousands of dollars in car repairs later, I’m not so sure.

So with that in mind, I offer my own, more expanded, advice to my son, Ethan, who departs soon for the University of North Texas. The thoughts below represent hard-earned wisdom. I’ll leave it to him to decide whether he accepts any of it or simply takes the money and runs.

•  Learn how to listen to women. This is much more important than learning how to talk to them, which you think you already know how to do. If you’re a good listener, and know the right questions to ask and when, you’ll be surprised how many women will become your friends. That’s because the more you listen to women, the more you understand them and the more interesting you become to them. (Shockingly, that’s something most guys don’t understand.) Don’t worry, the dating part will work itself out. But the real payoff will be a lot of good female friends. Here’s something you’ll find out quickly: They’re more complicated and, thus, more interesting than guys.
• Don’t lock yourself into a field of study too soon. You’re at a university, for God’s sake. Look around, poke your head into places you haven’t thought about. Dabble in areas that pique your interest. You may find a passion you didn’t know you had. The important thing is not to limit yourself. A friend of mine tried out seven majors before deciding on English and pursuing a journalism career. That’s a true college experience: An exploration that ends in discovery. Don’t sell your future short by approaching college with tunnel vision.
• Go to class. All of them. Even the ones you don’t like. Because not everything is supposed to be fun. You’ve got to experience the bad to appreciate the good. Remember, some days are diamonds and some days are stone. Discipline – shouldering through the bullshit – is a trait that brings success and enlightenment. It’s one of the few things that does. It will not always bring joy – at least not in the short run. But in life, you have to take the broad view, the one that peeks over the existing horizon to discover what comes next. Even the classes you don’t like can prepare you for What Comes Next.
• Seek out advice you know you’re not going to like.  And listen to opinions with which you don’t agree. Don’t live in an echo chamber, surrounded by people who think like you do and believe what you believe. Make decisions after you have all the facts, not just the ones you like or want to believe. The world is a big, complex place in which change is constant and quick. In five years, you’re not going to believe in the things you presently hold sacred. Keep an open mind. Don’t hold on to bad ideas whose time has expired.
• Control your anger. Once you lose your temper, you’ve lost the argument, even if it appears you won it. Yes, anger scares people and makes them back away. But it also breeds suspicion and distrust and creates unnecessary enemies. Don’t be a slave to your emotions. Anger can end an argument. Logic, calm reasoning and a well-organized presentation of the facts can win it. Beware: Anger clouds the mind and causes lapses in judgment. It’s OK to care deeply about things, but keep a cool head and remember the old adage, “Revenge is a dish best served cold.”
• Embrace diversity, difference, disharmony. These are the natural state of affairs and not to be feared. They make life interesting and force us out of ourselves, out of our tight network of comfort, to confront the dazzling chaos of the world. The  key to thriving in such an environment is to figure out who you are, what you stand for. Only you can decide that. Not your friends, not your Mom and me – you. Who are you, Ethan Gunnels? And what are you about? It’s OK if you’re not quite sure. The discovery of self is an important part of what college is about.
• Stop worrying about being cool. Here’s how Dr. Seuss put it: “Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Most of us live in fear of being judged unworthy or foolish by those around us. That immobilizing fear causes us to build a wall of cool aloofness as protection from scorn, ridicule or just indifference. Gut it up and tear down the wall. Live your life as it should be lived: Open to the possibilities and undaunted by the consequences.
• You always have a place to go for love and nourishment. Or just a quiet place to hide for a bit. And do laundry. Robert Frost said, “Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.”  For you, Ethan, that’s the two-story red-brick house at the top of the hill in northwest Grapevine. You have the key. Come anytime.